Rent Song Parodies
by PookietoyourMaureen
Summary: Previously La Vie Boheme Parodies To cool ranch Doritos, to white and wheat and rye." Song fics so far including: La Vie Phoenix. WARNING: The disclaimer is long and hilarious. "Goyle Rules!"
1. La Vie Phoenix

_**Disclaimer: Neither I, nor the TOTALLY AWESOME Anti-Pookie are J. K. Rowling, Darren Criss, A. J. Holmes, Matt Holmes, (And I continue to list all the names of everyone in/who worked on A Very Potter Musical with the help of Anti-Pookie, because Anti-Pookie is so TOTALLY AWESOME that she knows waaaaay more than me.) **Yes, I do, because I rock and am TOTALLY AWESOME in that way.- Anti-pookie She spilled water on her boob! it was funny. Sorry for that bit of randomness.- Anti-pookie** Really Rach? Must we inform the world of my poor drinking habits?**Yes. I think the owrld needs to be warned of how stupid and challenged you are. You are a hazard to the world's sanity. **The owrld needs to know? The OWRLD?** Sorry. I type fast and your keyboard kind of sucks! **Excuse me? This TOTALLY AWESOME keyboard is, like, my bestest buddy in the entire owrld.** WHAT?!? I thought that was me! Traitor! I'm not talking to you anymore! **And...she turns her back to me....Well, I'm not going to explain that she can't be both my bestest buddy and my Lesbonic....lesbonic? Lesbian lover.** Sure I can! Tons of people say they're boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is their bestest buddy! **ANYWAYS, as this has gotten to 233 words, I think we should continue our disclaimer.** Actually, by the time you said it was 233 words, it had actually been 239. Unless you want to count the number as a word. Then it's--**OKAY, OKAY! 239! 239! Are you happy? ARE YOU CONTENT?** Well, now it's more than 239, so... I'm gonna have to say no. **Ignoring this, I shall continue to say, we are also not the publishers of any Harry Potter works, RENT works, or any type of anything in general.** You forgot to say that we're not Jonathon Larson! How could you forget Jonathon Larson? **Because, I didn't He gets an entire paragraph to himself for memorial and credit and disclaimer and such! Or, at least, he was SUPPOSED to, but now that we've said we aren't, I suppose there isn't any pooint! Stalks off to a corner to poout.** Well, it's probably a good thing that we're not. I think the disclaimer is too long by now anyway. There is no POOINT so top POOUTING. **How can I top poouting? And I don't really want to...Joe Walker is much hotter then poouting... **That should be THAN not THEN. **You can tell what we're like from the fact that THAT'S what she commented on. So we now don't need an intro for us EITHER! Herumph! **Well, Joe Walker is hot. I didn't see anything weird about saying so! Actually, he's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! **Please tell me your still going to read our version of La Vie Boheme....** YOU'RE, not YOUR. Tsk, tsk. I really need to give you grammar lessons. **HAVE I NOT MEANTIONED I WENT TO BED AT OUR STANDARD TIME (2 for all y'alls who don't know) AND WOKE UP AT FOUR? ...Oh...wait...**No, you haven't. And for the record, I went to bed at 2, too. Hehe. Two too. **Rachel, this is not a ballet. I think we should start typing out La Vie Pheonix now, though.** La Vie PHOENIX. You really do need grammar lessons! And I told you how to spell that, too. **THAT'S NOT GRAMMAR! 'Tis spelling, it is! Shut up about my Yoda-ing.** Spelling is a part of grammar. They are almost always grouped together. **Because they're--You know what? We shall argue about this in real life. People reading this only came for La Vie PHOENIX and any other La Vie Fics we post**. OK. We shall shut our ungodly, lopsided mouths. **Ten points to Dumbledore! --Dumbledore**Enjoy the song! Or don't enjoy it. Whatever floats your boat. Hehe, that rhymes! And rhyming is like being shiny! **Uh...Rach? A. You totally stole rhyming is like being shiny from me. And 2. That's a HORRID thing to tell them! Enjoy it! Enjoy it even if it doesn't float your boat! Which rhymes much better. And sounds dirtier. =]** A and 2? What comes next, green? **No, orange actually. I can keep going, too. It's all planned out.**Anywho... I love that word. Anywho... Now we will shut up, and you will read. DO IT! I SAID READ!!!!!!!!!! **Actually, you said 'DO IT'...**Before that, I said 'You will read'. You never listen to me! Sobs uncontrolably **OKAY. READ. I shall handle my emotional girlfriend--who is actually the less emotional of the two of us...hmm...anyways. READ. And RAED. But that's besides the point.**_

_That is the longest disclaimer I've ever seen... SHUTTING UP NOW!_

_**Important Note: We actually have rehearsed this (As we're going to try and put it on Youtube) so everything either works, we made it work, or is just hilarious in it's not working-ness. **So suck it._

* * *

_La Vie Phoenix_

* * *

Draco:

Harry—I'm surprised  
A rich and famous bloke like you  
Hangs out with these mudbloods  
(And filthy blood traitors)

They make fun—Yet I am the one  
Attempting to go to Pigfarts  
Or do you really wanna make your starts  
With mudbloods on top of the class?

His death, his death  
Dumbledore is such a dive  
This is the truth  
The Dark Lord is alive.

Fred & George:

Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbye.  
Here we lie  
No one knew our worth  
The late, great army of Dumbledorth  
On these nights, when we celebrate the birth  
In that little town of Godric's Hollow  
We raise our glass—You bet your ass to  
La Vie Phoenix

All:

La Vie Phoenix  
La Vie Phoenix  
La Vie Phoenix  
La Vie Phoenix

Harry:

To days of divination

Hermione:

Reading spellbooks

Ron:

Eating treacle tart and chicken

Harry, Ron, & Hermione:

The need to express  
To communicate

Fred, George, & Lee:

To going against the grain  
Going insane

All:

Going mad

Fred, George, & Lee:

To loving tension, no pension,  
To more than one dimension,  
To starving for attention,  
Hating detention, hating pretension

Fred & George:

Not to mention, of course,  
Hating dear old Umbridge

To riding your broom  
Midday past the Quidditch pitch,  
To witch, to that toad bitch,  
To ditch—to choice,  
To the Loony's voice  
To any passing fad

All:

To being an us for once-  
Instead of a you!

La Vie Phoenix  
La Vie Phoenix

Harry:

Is my potions homework done?

Hermione:

It is, Harry.

Harry:

Can you write my history essay?  
You got this.

Umbridge:

Hem, hem

Harry:

Hey mister, she's my sister

Fred & George:

So that's five daydream charms,  
Four fainting fancies,  
Three pigmy puffs,  
Two love potions,  
And one decoy detonator

Ron:

Sweet.

George:

Five galleons.

Fred:

Put down another order.

Fred & George:

And thirteen orders of hats.  
Is that it here?

All:

Butterbeer!

Ron:

To Honeyduke's chocolate made in Hogsmeade  
To pudding, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese--

Draco:

To leather, to dildos--

Ron:

To steak and kidney pie  
To Cool-Ranch Doritos to white and wheat and rye.

Hermione & Ginny:

Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion  
Creation, vacation

Ron & Draco:

Mucho Masturbation!

Hermione & Ginny:

Compassion, to fashion, to passion  
When it's new

Neville:

To Luna

Sirius:

To Lupin

All:

To anything tabooed  
Mad-Eye, Remus, Sirius, and Tonks

Dumbledore:

Severus

George:

Shacklebolt

Ron:

To Bacon!

Harry:

To seven

Neville:

To heaven

Snape:

Lily Evans, too.

Remus & Sirius:

Why Lily and James went- into hiding  
To blow off Voldemort

All:

La Vie Phoenix

Harry:

And figure out the next Horcrux.

Hermione:

Yes, Harry.

Harry:

You got this

Draco:

Single?

Ron:

You wish

Goyle:

Goyle rules!

Dumbledore:

Hippogriff, Dand-der-ruff, Homo Sapiens

Luna & Trelawney:

Carcinogens, hallucinogens

All Girls:

Men!

All:

Apparation  
To Griffindor  
Hufflepuff  
Ravenclaw  
Not Slytherin

Hagrid, Sirius, Remus, Quirrel, Mad-Eye & Lockhart:

Animagi, wild kappa  
Veela--

Sirius:

Werewolf-a!

Hermione & Ginny:

To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy

Hagrid, Sirius, Remus, Quirrel, Mad-Eye & Lockhart:

Sorcerer, Astrology, Dementors

Harry:

To no shame, always playing the fame game

Crabbe:

To Marijuana!

Ron & Harry:

To spew!

Harry:

It's between Ron and me

Hermione:

It's S-P-E--

Umbridge:

Filch! Filch! Filch!

All:

La Vie Phoenix

George:

In honor of the death of the D.A. an impromtu salon will commence immediately following dinner. Seamus Finnigan, our TOTALLY AWESOME Leprechaun, will do a traditional Irish clog dance while accompanying _herself_ on the electric cello

Fred & George:

Which she ain't never studied

Voldemort:

And Quirrel will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on the high killing days

Fred:

And Harry will attempt to coach the Griffindor Quidditch team

Fred & George:

And _not_remind us of Sean Biggerstaff.

Lee:

And the twins will recount their exploits as anarchists—Including the tale of their successful reprogramming of Umbridge's quill to self-destruct as it writes the words:

All:

Totally awesome—Act up—Fight Umbridge!  
La Vie Phoenix

* * *

Hermione: Mucho masturbation? _Really_ Ronald!

Ron: It rhymed!

Ginny: Did anyone else notice Goyle looked....Guilty?

Fred: Not as guilty as Ron!

Ron: I was the one who said it!

George: A confession!

Hermione: And as for you two—_Dumbledorth?_

Fred & George: It rhymed with worth!

Hermione: (Gapes) No, it doesn't!

Fred & George: It does more than Dumbledore!

Hermione: (Facepalm)

Harry: Umbridge is probably going to kick us out of the school.

All: Yeah....

~~~_The Next Evening~~~_

_The twins walked into the commons room, their hands bleeding with a vengeance. Once the cuts scabbed over a bit, you could read what was written._

_I will not sing in the Great Hall._

* * *

**_Please Review! Even if you totally hated it. If you didn't--Check out Harry Potter Song Parodies by Anti-pookie. (_****_Who isn't here, so no arguing and making this really long! Yey!) Anyways. Review one or the other...Or even both!!!_**


	2. La Vie Phoenix B

_**Disclaimer: We don't own RENT. **__We don't own Harry Potter. _

_**Important Note: We actually have rehearsed this (As we're going to try and put it on Youtube) so everything either works, we made it work, or is just hilarious in it's not working-ness.**__ So suck it._

* * *

La Vie Phoenix B

Hermione:  
Detention's over?

Fred & George:  
Yeah, and by next week  
We'll be done with this shit

Harry:  
Lucky

Ginny:  
And you should see  
They've cleared out the Great Hall  
And they're rioting out on a spree  
Toady called The Squad

Lee:  
That fuck

Ginny:  
They don't know what they're doing  
The Squad is knocking them down  
But no one's leaving  
They're just sitting there, roaring

All:  
Yeah!

To chance!

Harry:  
Great way to make a living, autographing,  
Pain, Perfection  
Ani-morphing, Gryffindoring, short-  
Careers, killing horcruxes

All:  
Wood!

Katie:  
Adventure, medium, quidditch cap,  
Sexy Scottish accent!

Ron:  
Dark rooms, perfect motion, cheetos,  
boobi, jolly wood and--

Hermione:  
Ron!

All:  
Magic!

Lee:  
Spawn of Satan, potion, mathematics,  
Isolation,  
Swishes, flicking, power, blahblahblah,  
And heavy Dumblelation

All:  
Anarchy!

Fred & George:  
Revolution, justice, screaming for  
solutions,  
Forcing changes, risk, and danger,  
Making noise and making pleas

All:  
To werewolves, houselves, Shrek,  
halfbloods, too

Lupin:  
To me!

Dobby:  
Dobby!

Hermione & Dean:  
To me!

All:  
To you, and you, and you, you and you  
To wizards fighting with, fighting with,  
fighting with  
Not dying from Ol' Voldy  
Let he among us, without sinBe the last to the dicks!  
La Vie Phoenix  
La Vie Phoenix  
La Vie Phoenix

Fred & George:  
Anyone of the  
Hufflepuffs?  
What the Hell is a  
Hufflepuff?  
Anyone alive—with a  
Sex drive

Hermione & Ginny:  
Tear down the wall  
Aren't we all?  
The opposite of war  
Isn't peace--  
It's creation!

All:  
La Vie Phoenix

Ron (Spoken):  
The riot continues  
The Great Hall goes up in flames  
The toad dances  
Oblivious, Harry and Ginny  
Exchange a small, lovely kiss...Oy!

Harry (also spoken):  
What? You said a kiss!

Ron:  
Yeah, not shove your tongue down her throat!

All:  
Viva La Vie Phoenix!

* * *

(Everybody stares awkwardly at each other for a moment, then go back to what they were doing before. Lupin and Dobby melt into the background.)

Hermione: You masturbate to _cheetos?_

Ron: No, I eat them while I'm masturbating, duh!

Fred: Only one boobi?

George: You do realize we meant _Oliver_ Wood, right?

Fred: And you thought of masturbation.

(A beat)

Fred and George: We respect that.

Ginny: I'm gonna go spew now.

Hermione: It's S-P-E-W, _not spew_!

Ginny: What?

Hermione: Oh, nevermind!

(Hermione walks away)

Harry: At least she didn't comment on Dumblelation...

Hermione: I heard that!


End file.
